A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket taser for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Ship that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th
wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
my wife Barb. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be shortlived, with no long-
term adverse affects on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
however, that if you pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain
to Barb what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteriers, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause musle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-seconds burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself "no
possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for the heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION! WHAT IN THE HELL -------%$*@%&??/
I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as
a one second burst when you zap yourself! You can not let go of that damn
thing until it’s dislodged from your hand
by violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A- .....THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were hanging on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and I think my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I
crapped myself, but was too numb to know for
sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe came from my burning hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles, and am offering a significant reward for
their return!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.
I can truthfully say, “She now gets plenty of respect!â€
his lovely wife a pocket taser for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Ship that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th
wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
my wife Barb. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be shortlived, with no long-
term adverse affects on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
however, that if you pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain
to Barb what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteriers, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause musle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-seconds burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself "no
possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for the heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION! WHAT IN THE HELL -------%$*@%&??/
I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as
a one second burst when you zap yourself! You can not let go of that damn
thing until it’s dislodged from your hand
by violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A- .....THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were hanging on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and I think my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I
crapped myself, but was too numb to know for
sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe came from my burning hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles, and am offering a significant reward for
their return!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.
I can truthfully say, “She now gets plenty of respect!â€