The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!! | SouthernPaddler.com

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

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oldsparkey

Well-Known Member
Aug 25, 2003
10,479
123
Central , Florida
www.southernpaddler.com

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could..'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles..
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA ( This one is a winner ... Chuck)

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
 
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tx river rat

Well-Known Member
Feb 23, 2007
3,043
2
Waco Tx
I have a true story to ad similar to #2 . I was know locally as being a problem solver.
I get this call from the local sheriff went out to see about it .
When I arrived there were MPS everywhere with loaded rifles set up around this truck,the truck had a long tubler
cargo.way oversize,they had routed the truck to this road but forgot to take into account the highway had been blacktopped a couple times since it was measured for height.
You getting the ideal truck is wedged under a railroad trestle
They have a train on the way in five minutes,the head knockers walked up to me and asked if I can get it unstuck
,looked at it and told them yea but it was going to cost about 5,000 and I was going to damage some stuff on the truck
they told me that was fine as long as I didnt damage the load.
I walked back to my truck got a pair of small bolt cutters and cut the valve steams off the tires on the back of the truck then told the driver to back up.
Do you know them folks didnt want to pay me ,figure that
Ron
PS took a while but I did get paid in full. :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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seedtick

Well-Known Member
Jul 22, 2006
1,161
7
Denham Springs, LA
had a similar problem back in the early 70's - cherry picker couldn't fit under the pipe rack

did't cut off the valve stems, just let some air out
 
G

graybeard

Well-Known Member
Dec 24, 2009
255
0
61
Between keyboard and chair
Reminds me of the dog food diet

Purina Dog Food Diet For People
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog "Buddy"--and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. . . . Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Click to expand...
 
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tx river rat

Well-Known Member
Feb 23, 2007
3,043
2
Waco Tx
Seedtick
They were sort of in a bind for time ,so I just cut them, ruined 8 tires 8 valve stems and the ego of a military officer.
LOL
Ron
 
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