Noah's Ark - 2006 Version
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for
a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for
a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued
me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status
of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't
use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for
a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for
a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued
me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status
of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't
use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."